Assisted Living: When you just need to GET AWAY

Over the past 8 years, I have managed to go away several times. Early on, I could leave the Old guy alone, with some pre-made food, arrange for someone to take him out one night. If I was to be gone for a longer period, I would have him stay with the "sister wives". One time, I had people scheduled to stay a night or two at the apartment. But recently, I have been reluctant to ask for this help. Oh I know people would say, "Of course, I'd like to help" when discussed in the hypothetical, but, when it comes down to specifics, the discussion gets a little fuzzy. And since it is the American Way to be self reliant, I decided to do it the old fashion way: pay someone. There is a great advantage to this, and the obvious disadvantage (cost). But I am able to do it and it provides me with peace of mind (or is that a piece of a mind? both probably). Old Guy gets a companion for the time who will be nice to him (she is paid) and a different cook. But mainly it makes him very happy when I return. As for me, I get a good chunk of time to return to my swinging single life. (insert tire screeches here) Yeah, that's not really true. I have, sadly, aged 8 years, and so, funny in an ironic way, not haha way, I have slowed down too. But I did get to enjoy just taking care of myself.

All the experts will tell you that taking care of the caretaker is very important. The truth is, it is very hard to accomplish. But, when you do get the chance your heart and head will thank you for it.

Then, its back to the grind.

Upon return:
"How was the wedding?". "What wedding?" "Didn't you go to San Francisco for a wedding?" " No, I went to Sacramento. No Wedding." "Oh, my mistake"
Next day:
"How was the wedding?"

LESBIAN FAMILY VALUES

I am sick of people thinking that family values mean a primary typical family unit. I am here to tell you that it IS different for Lesbians (Dykes, Wimmen loving Wimmen, female homosexuals...). Many of us have chosen not to raise children. There are as many reasons as there are stars in the sky...but suffice it to say, we made a choice. The option of having a daughter (son...maybe) take care of you in your old age, say as I am doing for my father, is, well, none. What do we do when the proverbial cancer, MS, joint replacement, homelessness, hits the fan? We reach out to our, what is referred to as, the extended family of ex-lovers. This is very different from the hetero norm, or in my experience the gay men’s world.
I have so many examples of this, including my own, and one that is happening right now.
In my case, I needed a new shoulder (years of lesbian sex had taken its toll and I am proud to announce that...). I needed someone to take care of not only me, but my father, for whom I am responsible . Who did I call? Yes after Ghost Busters, my ex-gal pay from the 1980’s, (let’s call her Lynn). Now, Lynn had just been a year out of Chemo herself, and I had sent her some helping funds when she was recovering, since I could not get away (see above responsibility), but she volunteered to come out and take care of Dad and I. Did you see the date? 1980’s. That’s a long time to remain friends, ne, family.
Currently, an acquaintance,really,is going through a gnarly operation. She is staying with her ex and her ex’s current partner. Legions of friends visit her, and I imagine some are even her ex-lovers. Do you ever see that in the hetero world? Nope.

So in conclusion, I‘d like to say:suck on it right wing, cuz Lesbian have True Family Values.

Assisted Living (Help me Chuck Lorre!)

I saw the note by blogger telling me to list people in my post, so I thought who better than the Jeffe of TV comedy, Chuck Lorre. I do not know him, or imagine that I ever will. We are in parallel worlds. He is famous, I am not. He makes people laugh: I make people cry. He lives in LA; I live in LA (and by that I mean, the LA he lives in is on 90210, the LA I live in is on COPS). But we do share a heritage, and a love of numbers (see his Vanity Card archives---see my unread blog posts 1-56). Plus if I tag him in my post then maybe someone will read them.
Of late I have not felt much humor in my situation. For those of you who can not be bothered reading "TDT/Assisted Living" from the beginning, I will surmise: Long time, past her prime,dyke inherits aging (82 at time, now 90)father (hereto referred to as: The Old Guy) and hilarity ensues.
Like I said, I have not been feeling the hilarity. Its a lot of work caring for others. And I don't mean in the "write a check to the charity" kind of care. Perhaps it is the reason I never had children or men have wives; it is HARD. Still, its best to find some humor in some corner or instead of hilarity, insanity will ensue. So now I laugh at myself. How crazy am I who thinks I can get him to remember something just seen 10 minutes ago? That is bend over chuckle worthy! I am just nuttier than those kids on Happy Endings or New Girl. And they are kooky, weird funny! Yup, 61, tattooed and still wearing high tops. Crazy!
Happy 2nd of 3 New Year's (not the one that you eat apples and honey and then fast, not the one that you eat whole fish and blow things up, but the one that you get falling down drunk and watch some 7000 pound "ball" fall off a building).

Assisted Living-So you wanna help...

UPDATE Transportation problems solved!
The several agencies that help individuals with transportation each have their own set of rules. Each agency contracts with separate private companies to accomplish this mandate. And so if one agency only takes people in a designated zone, they can't pick up in another zone. In order to facilitate the Ol' Guy to the 2x a week Adult Day Care (the wonderful One Generation-send donations or volunteer there), we have to use two agencies. After a surprisingly short wait time, I have a standing order for both directions. What I love about this arrangement is that I don't have to drive and I don't have to ask for favors from others! I was very lucky and had a good friend helping out, but really one can ask so much from non-relatives.
Take away:

If you are a friend of a caregiver and want to help, offer to help decipher the bureaucracy of the various agencies. That is the real work that will last long after you grow weary of driving

Assisted Living Part...oh who knows?

So. (have you noticed all kinds of people are using this small word to begin their explanations- not just ner do wells like me who have been using the word since 1974), I repeat, So, I have been busy living life and waiting for another funny bon-mot to be created by the Ol' guy and myself. Now that I have you suspended in space, I don't really have one. It's just more of the same "shampoo, rinse, repeat" or for those of you who don't follow my skewed brain functions: "say something, repeat, say it again, repeat, no, I did tell you, yes you have heard this before, now why would I lie to you?, repeat, bang your head against the wall, and hope that someone loves you-or at least is getting paid-when you do the same thing in the very soon future...."
I went traveling this past weekend. Alone this time. Although, leaving him at home involves preparation also. I had to get away; there are lives at stake!
Off to celebrate life and aging in Seattle. But isn't it funny, or in this case ironic, that I go to see and connect with many friends from the past, and on the first night I loose my voice! For those of you who know me, well, I am assuming that is everyone, or why are you reading-unless its that person whom I am sending checks to... you know that I love to talk. I love to tell stories, make non-sequitur jokes (see above), pithy comments, snide remarks. Apparently not this weekend. Still, I had a great time using my newly found listening skills.
That's it. Gotta run.
Oh, vote. No let me be more specific, Vote Obama.

Sunny October Day at Foxglove Guest House, Seattle, Wa

Photo Collage, Assisted Living.

My friend M. says that Blogs need lots of photos. I think its because she thinks people won't read anymore and need the quick visual. She's probably right. Still, I do love me a juicy, well expressed sentence. Not that I am the purveyor of said writing, of course.
Anyway, back to the photos. Below you will see what things I attempt to do to keep The Old Guy healthy, clean and safe. Naturally, all this depends on one thing and one thing only: Him actually reading the notes. One can hope.

TDT-Assisted Living- part 6

TV is our common space. I try to watch a show with him every night I am home. I know it sounds weird, cuz watching a program with another human being is really a partial interaction. But it is the best I can do most nights. Sometimes all I can do is walk through the room and ask him what Vanna is wearing or who is wining the game?
Definition of: Awkward. There was this time, several years ago, I was watching an early feed of The L Word with Dad. At about 1/2 way in, I realized that I was incredibly uncomfortable; that watching a show, that had previously given me pleasure, with my father was not ok. So the next week, when it came on, I said, "Dad please go in your room and watch 60 Minutes". He asked "why" and I said "because I want to watch The L Word". He said, "I like that show". I said "I understand but I am not comfortable!".
I imagine that's what all relationships come down to after time is a form of peaceful co-existance. When all things are considered (yes, I do love NPR) I think that might just be ok.

TDT or Assisted Living- part 5

My new subtitle for my series will also be the name of my TV show. So networks, get ready! The Lab Visit. For some reason the Doc (the last one in a line of fired ones-more on that someday) thinks The Dad should have some blood work. So I proceed to the Lab. One would think that would be it-a little waiting, a little poking, a little leaving. But, NOOOOO. The Lab assigns take home duty (ah, yeah, that is a double entendre). Now, he has to engage in a difficult set of steps (3) of which I will not be a party to (yes it is ok now to end a sentence with a preposition...) It did not happen according to the plan. I am ok with that. What could it detect anyway? He has made it to the amazing age of 90,eye sight,walking with the help of a mere cane, ok he can't hear and his mind is going, but basically ok. I really don't think I have to push on this. Yeah, I know, more double entendres... and this is what my life has become.

The Daughter Track (TDT) part 4

Am I repeating myself, repeating myself? Sadly I have no patience. I was given the "does not suffer fools" stamp at birth and all my life I have had to fight it. Mostly, unsuccessfully. I am generally: snarky, sarcastic, deeming, rude. I know it and for that I have had to learn to apologize. Wouldnt it just be easier to stop this behavior? Ya think? See. Even in my imaginary conversation I can't help myself. I am a bitter ol'queen (this is not an offensive statement, because in my mind, BOQ's are quick and witty. Sure there is an edge of meanness. If you had been attacked all your life you would too. This is the gay version of The Dozen's. Look that up if you have no idea what I just said.0 Back to the original thought (and that's another thing about me. I get distracted easily-in conversation, that is). I have a particularly low threshold for my father's repeating things. I generally go from about a 2 to a 10 in nothin' flat. And I know this is wrong. He has no short term memory. I will repeat myself, for my benefit. He has no short term memory. And yet I want him to use what's left of his brain to try to rationally figure out things. Why do I do that? Most people are incapable of rationally figuring out things (see political situation in the US circa, well the whole life of the country really, but especially since Reagan...). So why would I think this sweet 90 year old man, who was never a Rhodes scholar could do that now? Personality flaw they call it is AA. Indeed.

THE DAUGHTER TRACK part 3

So back to the beginning. There I was a free-wheeling lesbian, living her unconventional life, darting around the world (ok NYC and London, some parts in between) working, loving, creating havoc and doing a little good. Now I was a stay at home mom. And I didn't even get the joy of a new love! I did get a new home and some furnishings that weren't culled from the resale shop. I set up my new home for Dad and I in what I like to call the Resort. This apartment complex, expensive but had all the enticements one could want. I loved it. We settled into a new life. I found Dad a few Tai Chi classes (Seniors Waving Arms), a Senior center and joined the LGBT Temple.

JUST a moment out of the story: Why do crazy people feel the need to SHOUT their inner conversation, as they walk down the street? Wouldn't it do just to speak in at a normal level, since they are talking to themselves? And were back: Joining the Temple was a stroke of genius on my part. I did it because I found out they were going on a trip to Israel and Dad had never been. I thought at the time, tempus fugit, so we went with 25 people we did not know, but upon return 25 new friends. It was a great trip, and I was very supported. From that trip I found my sister-wives, who have been so very helpful with my TDT. Everyone is so gracious with their compliments, but there are very few who actually come through with the actual help, and these two amazing munchkins have done that for me, for many years now. Part 4: didn't you say you were a lesbian?

THE DAUGHTER TRACK part 2

My original plan was to talk about the past, but today I am having a quintessentially TDT (The Daughter Track) experience. We are waiting to be assessed for ACCESS- the service that picks people up who cannot take public transportation on their own. It is in the obscure Arts District (you knew we had one downtown L.A. right?)-off the 4th street bridge. Enter the non-descript warehouse and a line of elderly, physically challenged individuals with their caretakers awaits you. Hulls of busses,dotted yellow lines, green arrows,amid a maze of that would confuse the best minds, let alone confused or those suffering from dementia. So Dad is finally called at 12:15-we arrive at 11am. Not too bad. Told to follow green arrows to bus # 2. He gets on that bus, for about a minute then name is called with 5 others and he is made to walk into another rm staffed by what looks like ex-cons-not that I have anything against that... made to sit down, sign again then told to go back to bus #2. ( why don't they have a lap top and take it to each person?) 10 minutes later he is called again for evaluation-what health conditions do you have? Dad: looks at me and guesses. After a few more invasive questions, he has his pluse taken again. You will hear in 21 days, if not call this number...one more thing-have your photo taken (again). Then, as if pigs were actually flying in edges of East LA, we were done. 1:00pm. Dad: Why did we do that? and you wonder why my new hobby is drinking...

THE DAUGHTER TRACK-part 1

I have recently realized that all my life I have fit into various current categories: Baby Boomer, anti-war protestor,Radical lesbian feminist, Sex-positive dyke, live-r of life on life's terms, "artist", and now I am in the words of the New York Times(the paper of record) www.nytimes.com/2005/11/24/world/.../24iht-daughter.html?...all the DAUGHTER TRACK. For the last 8 (or 9?) years, I have been living with my now 90 year old father. I remember as if it were yesterday: it was the last night of OUTFEST Film Festival. I was in the Orpheum Theater, and for some reason I felt my phone ring. I peaked at it and saw a strange number, Later that night I listened the message that would redirect my life. "Debbie. this is Dad. Ann (2nd wife) died and I wondered if you could come help me." The rest,is, well my life. I went to Fresno (yes, I have some ideas on how to make that place an actual destination, but that's for another time), did what I had to do: assess the situation and figure out that it would be mutually beneficial for us to combine resources, in LA of course. Many people say very nice things about what I am doing. It is refreshing

to be on the receiving end of praise. But really I did not feel like there was another choice (and of course as I say that I realize there is ALWAYS a choice). It just seemed like the right thing to do. So that was the beginning. And so much more.